The birds and the bees

... and things that makes you go weak in the knee.

Lately, the news feed post in my facebook is being filled with the calamity of famous school in Jakarta; stating that there are a few kindergarten kids inside the school are being molested and being asked to do sexual favors to their school staff. Even scarier news coming up that even the teachers and head of school did it too and no parents dares to speak it up all these years, due to the culture or the shameful fact that reflect back on them.

As a mom to my 3 years old Nayaka, my fumed head to toe made a strong desire to burn the school and teach a live-long lesson to these sickened-morally-deserted people.

Putting this idea aside, this phenomenon is not really a new thing. Instead of hiding behind our comfort blanket, i want to use this blog for a way to learn and educate about signs of abuse and hopefully prevent this from happening again.

WHAT IS CHILD SEX ABUSE?
While the list is too wide to be categorised, the basic must-know for every parent is:
1. Touching activity. Some examples:

• touching a child's private parts for sexual pleasure
• making a child touch someone else's genitals, play sexual games or have sex putting objects or body parts (like fingers, tongue or penis) inside the vagina, in the mouth or in the anus of a child for sexual pleasure

2. Non-touching activity. Such as:

• showing pornography to a child
• deliberately exposing an adult's genitals to a child
• photographing a child in sexual poses
• encouraging a child to watch or hear sexual acts
• inappropriately watching a child undress or use the bathroom

pretty sick yes? lets armor ourselves with these hard truth knowledge, so we have the best weapon to protect the innocents.


WHAT ARE WARNING SIGNS?
1. Behavioral signs. These includes:

• A sudden fear of a particular location, gender, or physical appearance
• Acting out in an inappropriate sexual way with toys or objects
• Nightmares, sleeping problems
• Becoming unusually secretive
• Regressing to younger behaviours, e.g. bedwetting
• Unaccountable fear of particular places or people
• New adult words for body parts and no obvious source
• Talk of a new, older friend and unexplained money or gifts
• Not wanting to be alone with a particular child or young person

2. Emotional signs. These includes:

• Sudden unexplained personality changes, mood swings and seeming insecure
• Outburst of anger
• Display signs of a speech disorder such as stuttering. 

3. Physical signs. These includes:

• Self-harm (cutting, burning or other harmful activities)
• External signs of physical abuse such as bruises, burns, black eyes, cuts, abrasions, and other injuries.
• Unexplained soreness or bruises around genitals or mouth, sexually transmitted diseases, pregnancy
• Difficulty walking or sitting, or signs of a urinary tract infection.
• Changes in eating habits, loss of appetite, unexplained vomiting due to emotional stress.

Lets face it, as a parents sometimes we barely have the time to take note to really look at our kids in the eye. All we know and what we want is just for them to eat right and have enough rest. After reading this list alone, I am taking an psychological note for myself that i would take a deep look at my Nayaka and Nadia once in a while, simply to check their state of happiness.


KEEPING THEM SAFE.
Googling and reading a few good articles about these make me realise that having sex education is the best weapon. I thought it is too early for Nayaka to understand these things, but sooner than later, in his daily life, he is exposed to other types of sexual activities that he is not supposed too, it can be as simple as people kissing (for those international readers, i'm born in the Asian generation where kissing mouth-to-mouth is preserved only for special people in a special timing) or if he accidentally clicked into raunchy and suggestive video-clip by Madonna or Lady Gaga on his ipad. and so on.

So how can we start? how early can we start? Well mommies, we dont have to scare our children, but we should start simple by letting them know what is "okay" and "not-okay" behaviour. The main thing is to give them an understanding that some parts of their body are private and not okay for just anyone to touch them.

Here's a great video for our knowledge, and we can pass this to some of the older kids too. (i didnt let Nayaka see this yet, as the vocabulary is still quite heavy for him)

Other great tips:
1. Use real names for body parts, as it makes kids think that there is something weird or shameful about their bodies. Use real terms like penis and vagina or breasts instead. 
2. Think beyond “stranger danger.” Instructing kids to never talk to strangers is good advice. But the fact is, 80 percent of abuse is committed not by strangers but by someone the child knows well—and possibly loves. However, this doesnt mean you have to be suspicious to everyone in the neighbourhood... identify the people that your kid is comfortable with and those that he seems to shy-off from. 
3. Dont keep secrets. I always believe communication is the key to all relationship, and with kid, whatever random ramblings or nonsensical talk it is, it always a good lead to know deeper about them. And besides, it establishes this trust that only bonds within you and your kid.
4. How to identify a pedophile. This is a good article for parents to identify and be more aware to their surroundings, because if you don't pay attention to your child, someone else will.

And if you do know anyone who need it, or suspect an abuse, there are helplines too. All in all, we owe this knowledge to our kids.